There is a part of me that hopes someone clicked on this link and was quickly disappointed by the lack of information regarding a 90’s pioneer girl-power drama. For those that did, I’m sorry, and you may be excused.
For those that came here for the weirdly obscure and loosely structured metaphors, welcome home.
We are talking pretty seriously about moving to a small acreage on the outskirts of the metro, where we can have chickens, bees, massive gardens, maybe a couple goats. It’s got me in a tailspin of studying about mini farms, sustainable earth to table food production, food preservation, and using herbs medicinally by creating teas, tinctures and salves. I am addicted to research; I rarely do anything without analyzing all the possibilities and becoming a self-taught pro first.
Dreaming about owning land that will help us be less-dependent on grocery stores and a little more “off the grid” is a bit crunchy of me. But the more time I spend working with my hands to produce tastier and healthier opportunities for my family, the more I love it. I love the dream of living simply through our schedules and our nutrition.
If I’m being honest, though, this dream is not the only reason for the obsessive studying and planning of making it come to fruition. In this season of life, I don’t have a lot of control, and this is one thing I can focus my constantly running mind on so I don’t go crazy trying to control things I can’t.
There is a term in the foster care community called, “artificial twinning.” I learned about it recently, and it basically describes taking two children similar in age and forcing them into a sibling relationship. The results tend to be a lot of competition and struggle. I have learned about the negatives of this firsthand, three months too late. When we said yes to our first placement call, we thought it would be great because they would be great friends. Instead, they’re constantly fighting over wanting the exact same thing all the time.
A positive, however, is having a clear comparison of what a child looks like when they’ve been loved and well taken care of since conception versus not. I know where there are deficits and can clearly identify what areas we need to work on.
My struggle for control is in the positive. I want to fight for this kid so much more, than it seems, anyone else in the world does. When no one shows up for visits, or when a judge clearly explains to parents they are about to lose their kids and they STILL do nothing, when I see a behavior that ties to another tragic event in this short life that’s been undocumented, or when I have to beg to be in the loop on services this child needs for a chance to succeed in life. I just want to rage at the injustice that’s being doled to this little soul at such a young age. Nearly the exact same age as the little soul that has my husband’s eyes and my smile and both our hearts from the first moment we knew of his existence. The same age as our son, who has been loved, protected, nurtured and cared for since the beginning.
I want so badly for the world to understand how much God loves this kid, even when family doesn’t show they do. I want to question every person that claims they are pro-life but doesn’t fight for the lives in foster care. I want to scream that God knew this child before knit in their mother’s womb only to feel my screams fall on deaf ears.
Maybe it’s because I need a little less reminder of this child, and all these other children, being knit in their mother’s womb, and a little more reminder that the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.
Because I don’t have control over the future of this little life that will most likely be out of my arms before the year is up. But God knows the future of this little life. He knows what He was doing when it was placed in my arms to begin with. And I need to trust in the end, He will fight for every injustice and provide every opportunity, if only I trust in Him and be still.
So I dream of protecting and nurturing land, watching plants and animals grow to further nurture my family and the little lives that join it for only a season. If you ever want to watch scripture come to life, grow a garden. Learn about pruning and weeding and good soil and how little you have to do with the process of creating life and the ecosystem that supports it. You plant the seed and water, but God makes it grow into food and medicine and beauty. You need only be still.